Better Off Without Me
by Dazzling
Summary: Set at the start of Season 3. Buffy's back...how will the gang deal?


Author: Dazzling  
Email: glitter_and_glam@hotmail.com  
Disclaimers: Yeah, I don't own them, I thought everyone would've figured that one out by now. Hey look, I made the title up by myself this time!  
Notes: Um, I was bored one night. That's the only explanation I have for this one. Oh, set in the start of third season (my take on Angel's return). Flashbacks are in *'s, thought's are in ~'s, and dreams are in italics.  
Feedback & Reviews: Write, and tell me how much emotional damage I'm doing to the characters *lol* Seriously, would be appreciated.  
  
BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME  
  
"Buffy..."  
Buffy sat bolt upright, sweating and gasping for breath. It had been Angel speaking to her, as it had been Angel for 4 months now. Realizing it was only a dream sometimes made it worse. She thought of him constantly...the look of horror that had been upon his face as she stabbed him was imbedded in her memory.   
~ How could I do it?~ she thought. ~ God, how could I have done that to him? To me?~  
This was the question she had asked herself constantly. But whenever she did, whatever rational part of her brain there was left always answered.  
~To save the world. You killed him to save everyone else.~  
To save Willow, who had been so supportive and cast that spell. To save Xander, who hated Angel with a passion. To save Giles, who's girlfriend Angel had killed. Apparently, the sacrifice she had made didn't matter. No one knew that he had been good when she had plunged that sword through him. No one needed to. It was her problem. That's why she had run.  
Buffy sniffed, turned over, and made another attempt at sleep.  
  
***  
  
Three thousand miles away in Sunnydale, California, Willow Rosenberg tossed and turned in her sleep. She, too, was thinking of someone she had lost. And in her own way, she was wondering if she would ever get that person back. Not back in Sunnydale. Willow told herself every day and night that Buffy would return. She wondered whether she would get the real Buffy back, or a shell of whom she used to be.   
~What happened that night?~ Willow thought to herself. ~ And why hasn't Buffy called, or even written? I'm her best friend.~  
But Willow knew, deep in the back of her mind, that if something so horrible had happened that it had caused Buffy to abandon everything, she had to work through it herself. Sometimes, even friendship just wasn't enough.  
Willow sighed, turned over, and tried to go back to sleep.  
  
***  
  
Next morning, Willow walked into the library. Everything about it was familiar, nothing had changed over the summer holidays. There was Giles, sitting at the table drinking his trusty cup of tea. There were Xander and Cordelia, forever bickering. Only one thing was missing, and that thing was the reason they had all come together in the first place. It just didn't feel right, to be here without the Slayer.  
The doors banged open, and Oz walked in.  
"Oz, hey!" Willow said, and jumped up to hug her favourite werewolf/boyfriend.   
"Hey Will. I missed you," he said, hugging her back. "Any word from..."  
"No," Willow said, shaking her head sadly. "Nothing."  
"Well, I don't know what everyone's worrying about," Cordelia said with her usual tact. "Buffy'll be back for the rest of senior year. I mean, who's gonna miss that? And if she's not, well, she's either dead or moved, and she's not coming back either way."  
'Cordelia, sometimes I wish..." Xander started, but Cordy cut him off.  
" You wish what? Excuse me for being the only one who sees it, but our favourite Slayer's been gone for, like, four months now. And we've had, what, maybe five or so so-called sightings? Which, may I point out, none of turned out to be anything like Buffy. If she hasn't contacted us by now, it's because she doesn't want to. And if we haven't found her by now, it's because she doesn't want to be found."  
Everyone was silent. Once again, the soup that Cordy called her brain had kicked in and made the point that no one else had been able to. Buffy had been gone for the whole summer, and the first month of senior year. If she hadn't come back by now, it was almost safe to assume that she wasn't going to. Willow was the first one to speak.  
"Maybe she's right...."  
"No," Xander said forcefully. "No. Buffy'll come back. I know she will. She wouldn't just run, without telling us."  
Cordy went over to him, looking more gentle than usual. But there was no such tone in her voice.  
'Open your eyes, Xander. She already has. I can see it, you can see it, everyone else can see it, but they don't want to. Now I'm not Little Miss Slayer's biggest fan, sure, but I don't want anything bad to happen to her. But I also don't want to skip around for another four months pretending nothing has."  
Xander looked at her, tears forming in his eyes, sad and angry at the same time.  
"She's right," Giles said softly, coming forward to stand in the centre of the room. "Much as I hate to say it, she's right."  
Four pairs of eyes turned to him in disbelief. If Giles had given up, then it was definitely the end.   
Xander looked at them all, something resembling hatred in his eyes. "I can't believe any of you. You're so willing to give up, it's like you don't even care about her anymore. You're acting like she's dead. She's not. Buffy'll come back. You'll see."  
He looked at them again, struggling to breathe. Then he ran from the room.   
Cordelia ran out after him, shaking her head.  
Willow looked up at Giles. "You don't really believe that she's..gone, do you?" she asked.  
"I don't know what to believe. I know I'm hoping to God that she'll walk right through that door right now, but I also know that after four months, it's becoming very unlikely that she will," he replied softly, before walking into his office, head bowed.  
Willow looked at Oz, almost in tears. He helped her up, took her hand, and led her to the door.  
"C'mon, Will," he said gently. "Worrying won't help."  
He pushed the door open and led her out, neither one noticing the slim blonde girl that stood a distance away, tears in her eyes.  
  
***  
  
Buffy couldn't believe it.  
~They gave up on me~ she thought. She thought this over and over, running the words through her brain, picking them apart until she was numb with disbelief. She had come back to apologize, to try to make amends with them, and this was the welcome she got.  
~They were content just to forget about me. Like I never existed.~  
She thought this until she was sure she hated them. But, as always, her rational mind came through.  
~You left them. You deserted them for four months. Think about how they'd feel.~  
She turned around and was about to walk away when Giles came out of the library.  
  
***  
  
He shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut, and opened them again. She was still there.  
"Buffy?" he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper.   
The girl didn't turn around, But Giles knew. Somehow, he knew that it was her.  
"Buffy?" he asked again, a bit louder this time.   
She turned around, her face streaked with tears, her blonde hair hanging around her eyes.  
"Hey Giles. Just passing through. I won't be in your way for much longer," she told him, and moved to walk away. But Giles wasn't going to let her go again. He'd been through that, and it had hurt like hell, not knowing whether his Slayer was dead or alive.  
"Buffy...what's going on? Why did you go? Where did you go? And what gives you the thought that you're in anyone's way? Buffy....I.."  
She broke him off. "Giles, I heard you and the gang in there before. You'd just about given up. And I don't blame you," she answered, and turned away from him.  
"Buffy," he said gently, "Buffy, what happened that night? Why did you run?"  
She looked deathly white all of a sudden, and a far-away look came into her eyes.  
"He... he was good. He was good, and I killed him. I killed him," she choked out in a whisper, before breaking out of Gile's grip and running for the door. He did not try to stop her, for he knew he couldn't. And he could only imagine the pain she had gone through.   
  
***  
  
Buffy ran out of the school grounds, trying to see through her tears. She ran until she couldn't run any more, and sank down onto the ground. When she opened her eyes, she was next to the building that had housed Angel's old apartment. She went down to the basement, and tried the door handle. It was unlocked.  
Buffy walked in, and all the memories came flooding back to her. Overcome with emotion, she stumbled over to the bed and lay down, fighting off the tears. Then, when she couldn't anymore, she broke down and sobbed, curling up into a ball.  
~Why did I come back?~ she wondered to herself, through her tears. ~Why couldn't I just let them get on with their lives, and get on with mine?~  
Buffy suddenly made a decision. She got up, and ran out of the apartment all the way across town to the mansion. She opened the door softly and walked in, glancing around. She saw the small room where Giles had been held captive. She saw the side door where she had burst in that night. Standing in the middle of the room, she saw Acathla standing dormant, glaring down at her. And, sitting down softly whispering her name over and over again, she saw Angel.  
  
***  
  
A student messenger walked into the classroom where Xander and Willow were sitting. He walked up to the teacher and handed her a note. Unfolding it, she read: 'Would teachers please excuse Xander Harris, Willow Rosenberg, Cordelia Chase and Oz from class. Their presence is urgently requested in the library.'   
She motioned to Xander and Willow, who stood, read the note, gathered their books and made for the library. Getting there, they saw that Oz had already arrived. Cordelia walked through the doors a minute later, complaining.  
"Giles, why did you pull us out of class now? Not that I wanted to be there, but I was having a really good debate with some geek over the wonders that Marie Antoinette did for the poor. Plus, how she had great hair."   
"Cordelia, do sit down," Giles said, motioning to a chair. Noting that the others were already sitting, Cordy followed suit.   
"What's up Giles? I mean, what's with the urgency thing?" Willow asked, leaning forward.  
"Well, I...I got some...some news concerning Buffy," he told them, rubbing his eyes.  
"What kinda news?" Xander demanded. "Do you know where she is?"  
"Well, ah.." Giles began, but it was Cordy who cut him off.  
"Well, WHAT, Giles? Some of us would like to know."  
"She's back," he said quietly. "I saw her, here, earlier today. She said something about being in the way, I asked her why she ran, and she said something. Something about he was good, and she killed him. Then she ran off before I could stop her."  
Oz looked up, sadness in his eyes, and spoke. "Your spell must've worked, Will."  
Willow gasped. "You mean...Angel was, well, Angel again? And she killed him? Why?"  
"Maybe she had no choice," Giles said. "The vortex may have already opened."  
The room fell silent. They were all imagining the pain and hurt Buffy must've gone through. It stayed silent for what seemed like ever. Then Xander jumped up.  
"You said she was back, right? I'm going to look for her. She can't have gone too far."  
Cordy rose to stand beside him. "I'll come too."  
He looked at her, amazed, and kissed her. "Thanks."  
"Anytime," she said.  
Then they rushed out of the library, doors slamming behind them.  
Willow and Oz looked at Giles. "What'll we do?" Willow asked.  
"Well, I would send you back to class, but I need some help researching more on Acathla. It would be greatly appreciated," he told them.  
"Sure, anything."  
  
***  
  
Buffy rubbed her eyes, telling herself to stop imagining things. They were still closed when a pair of arms encircled her, and a voice whispered in her ear, "Buffy?"  
She opened her eyes, hardly daring to believe. She looked up, and saw Angel there, looking at her with tears in his eyes.  
"Buffy...it's you?"  
His arms hugged her tightly. She hugged him back, tears pouring down her face.  
"Yeah," she said, sniffing. "It's me."  
"God, I thought...I thought I'd lost you forever," he said, stroking her hair and pulling her as close as was humanly (or not) possible. Buffy put her arms round his neck, sobbing.  
He tilted her head upwards to look at him. She leaned up and kissed him, letting go of all her fears and guilt for just this moment. He pulled away after a long moment and looked at her.  
'I love you," Angel whispered, tears still streaming down both their faces.  
"I love you," she whispered back, and he leaned down to kiss her again.  
After what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart.  
"How.... how are you back?" Buffy asked him, still captured in his embrace.  
Angel looked unsure. " I don't know. One moment I'm hurtling through nothing, next I'm back here. I've been sitting here for four months, waiting for you."  
An even bigger wave of guilt washed over Buffy, and the tears started again. She looked down.  
'I'm so sorry. I'm sorrier than you'll ever know. I thought you were gone, that's why I ran. If I'd known you were back..."  
Angel tipped her head up to look at him again. His brown eyes held no resentment, only love.  
"Hey," he whispered. "It's ok. It's all worth it, to have you again."  
He leaned down and kissed her once more, and this time, it really did go on forever.  
  
***  
  
Xander came to a stop, leaning over to catch his breath. Cordelia came up beside him a moment later.  
"We're not gonna find her, are we?" Cordy asked, putting into words what Xander had feared.  
"I don't think so, no," he replied, finally admitting defeat.  
They had been searching for well over two hours by now, and there was not one part of Sunnydale where they hadn't looked for her yet.   
"Xander, lets go. Is there a place in Sunnydale we haven't been at least twice?"  
A sudden wave of thought hit Xander.  
"Yeah. There is."  
"And where would that be?"  
"The mansion..." Xander said slowly. He grabbed Cordy's arm.   
"Let's go."  
  
***  
  
Angel looked at Buffy. "So.... what now?" he asked.  
Buffy sighed. "All I know is I really don't want to stay in Sunnydale."  
"But what about your mother, your friends...your life?" Angel wondered.  
"I stopped that part of my life when I ran, Angel. No one except Giles knows I'm back yet. My mother doesn't need to. They'll get over it eventually. Sure, they'll grieve, and they may miss me, but they'll get over it."  
Angel glanced down. "Are you sure that's what you really want?"  
Buffy nodded. "I'm sure. Let's go somewhere else where no one knows who I am, no one knows who you are. Everyone's better off without me."  
"It'll be hard...y'know, another go at a relationship," Angel warned her, but his eyes were sparkling.  
"Angel, all my life I've just wanted someone who knew who I was, who didn't care, and who loved me. And who I loved. I think you fit that pretty nicely."  
Angel grinned a rare grin. "If it's what you really want, then, let's get out of here."  
Buffy nodded, and they walked hand-in-hand out of the mansion. Darkness had fallen.  
  
***  
  
Xander and Cordy sprinted up the hill to the mansion. Pulling on the huge doors, Cordy found them unlocked. They went in, calling for Buffy.  
Xander looked at the huge statue in the middle of the floor, then his eyes wandered to a small envelope lying on the side table next to Acathla.  
"Cordy," he said in a low voice, pointing.  
Cordelia walked over, picked it up, opened it and read it. A look of sadness mingled with surprise and horror came over her face, and she wordlessly held out the note for Xander to read.  
He took it from her, unfolded the note, and read:  
  
"To Everyone,  
I know sooner or later you will come to the mansion, and this is why I leave this letter here. My reasons for leaving a second time cannot be easily understood, those for leaving the first, I hope, can be forgiven.   
The day that Acathla awoke, Will's spell worked. Angel was good again, and I spent one precious moment with him before I had to put the sword through him to close the vortex.  
I ran away after that, because I couldn't handle what I'd done. I spent 4 months in Chicago, killing myself over the fact that not only had I killed my one true love, but that I'd left you guys. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to come back.   
Finally, though, I did. Giles was the only one who saw me, and I wanted it to stay that way. I went back to the mansion to say goodbye to Angel one last time, then I left Sunnydale for good.   
I'm sorry that I left this way, but it's for the best. You're better off without me. I will never forget what you guys did for me, or what you were to me. I'll miss you, and I'll never forget you.  
Love always,  
Buffy"  
  
Xander finished the letter, and glanced up at Cordy. There were tears in her eyes, as there were in his.  
'What's that?" Cordy asked, pointing to another small piece of paper.   
Xander picked it up. The front read simply 'Giles'. Xander showed to Cordy.  
"We better let him read it," she said.  
He nodded, still disbelieving, and they headed for the library.  
  
The library doors banged open, and Giles, Willow and Oz looked up. Xander and Cordelia walked through. They had both been crying.  
"Xander? Cordy?" Willow asked, and Cordy silently handed her the note. She read it, and her face went pale. Oz took her in his arms and held her.  
"She's gone," Willow whispered, over and over again.  
Xander walked over to Giles, and handed him the smaller note. "This is for you."  
Giles opened it up, and read:  
  
"Dear Giles,  
By now you know that I've gone. I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry for all the times that I ignored you, or ridiculed you, or made you feel like you were unimportant. Because you so were not. You were the father figure in my life when I needed one the most, and for that I am so grateful. You were there for me whenever I had a problem, with Slaying or otherwise. I'm sorry for all these things, but most of all, I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better Slayer for you.   
Buffy"  
  
Giles took off his glasses, and wiped his eyes. "You were the best," he whispered. "The very best."  
He looked around at the others, huddled silently together. Giles went into his office and shut the door, and the others could faintly here the sound of him sobbing.  
  
***  
  
Two months later, Giles got notice, through the Chicago police department, that Buffy Anne Summers had been killed. They were treating it as a homicide. Her funeral was to be held in Sunnydale, her 'home' town.  
Rupert Giles felt pain at that moment like he never had before, even when Jenny died. His Slayer was dead, and it was his fault for not looking after her.  
Giles wept for her that night, as he had done for Jenny.  
  
***  
  
"We are here today to lay to rest the body of Buffy Summers..." the priest intoned. Xander watched, numb, as Cordelia collapsed sobbing into his arms. Willow was doing the same with Oz. Giles simply stood there, unable to breathe. He watched as they opened Buffy's casket, so that family and friends could pay their last respects.  
She looked like she was sleeping. Her mouth was twisted into a tiny smile, and she was so peaceful. Giles stood in line, and watched as Oz, Willow, Xander and Cordelia passed by her in turn. Sobs wracked each of their bodies, and they each lay a single white rose in her coffin as they passed. Willow also laid a tiny sculpture of a cherub angel, its arms reaching up to the sky. Xander gently put down a folded-up letter, the heart-breaking content of which would never be read.  
Before Giles knew it, it was his turn. He looked down at her; lay a pale pink rose in amongst all the white ones and whispered, "I'm sorry I wasn't there. It should be me."  
Then he spotted a light dusting of ashes over her body and in her coffin, so fine that most wouldn't have picked it up. And Giles knew. He knew that she had not died alone. He smiled through his tears, sighting the Claddagh ring on her finger and the angel engraved in the top of the casket. "Angel dust," he said softly, for he knew that Buffy was with the one she loved. "You were there. Somehow, by some miracle, you were there."  
Then he turned, tears streaming down his face, and half-ran, half-stalked out of the church, unable to bear it anymore.  
- - -  
FIN  
  
AN: Well? My second attempt at a Buffy death story.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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